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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24268732">I buried some day</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lora3210/pseuds/lora3210'>lora3210</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ATEEZ - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Break Up, Devotion, Distrust, Kissing, M/M, Monologue, One Shot, POV Jung Wooyoung, Post-Break Up, Reunions, San's Drunkenness, Woosan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:42:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24268732</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lora3210/pseuds/lora3210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>San, even though you left me, I always believed you would come back to me.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi San/Jung Wooyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I buried some day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was working on this fic listening to Kim Sungkyu's song, 뭐랬어 (What did I say) (Feat. PUNCHNELLO) (<a href="https://youtu.be/PcbiL4tEBbQ">https://youtu.be/PcbiL4tEBbQ</a>)<br/>And rly thank all of you for subscribing to me and my works, bookmarking them, and leaving Kudos and comments!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>When you showed me your wide back that sadly seemed to be indifferent to my own sorrow stirring inside me, I decided not to wait for you, though I knew well it was impossible for me to stop thinking about you, San. And as everybody and also you could expect, I had to be suffering from the memories you left to me, whether they were so trivial or too impressive to forget, and had so much difficulty making my all things turned back to the state of the time we had been just persons unrelated to each other. Of course, it is not still working well even though I got used to staying with the sorrow you had given to me.</p><p>But at least I can say that I feel even better now than that time you left me. Yes, I feel so fine that I can forgive your serious fault, that is, your deed and your words thrown to me at that moment.</p><p>I remember that I said many simple or complicated sentences to make you stop, feeling the heart much heated up and my hands and lips trembling, but largely I can't remember what they actually were. I can remember only some words such as "Don't go", "I'll do better for you," "I don't know what's wrong with what I've done for you," and</p><p>"I'm the only one who can understand and embrace you."</p><p>And I can remember only that you said, "But I can't endure this kind of your involvement. Obviously you must be disappointed with my weakness that is even more serious than you thought."</p><p>Weakness. Yes, as I tried to know about you and care about you, I could find that you were weaker than I had thought. <br/>But for me, it could be not the most appropriate, plausible, and convincing reason why you left me. And still now it's true. </p><p>Often in your hand was some amount of the medicine to make you relaxed and fall asleep. If it were one of the proof of the weakness you said, I would like to say it was worthless than the numbers of my hugging and kissing that made you smile or cry and the words of my warm and cordial love that made you melting down like an ice-cream. No matter how many medicines you would take to treat your anxiety, insomnia, distrust, fear, and horror, I was always ready to endure those things having been distressing you and believed that my presence bearing the warmth was better than your medicine as I could hear the regular breath of you falling asleep in my arms. Although the perfect sharing of those emotions living and growling inside you was impossible, to bring you the sense of happiness that you are beloved, I could willingly hug you, kiss you, and sleep with you without any question or any complaint that could make you feel uncomfortable.</p><p>But you even minded my doing them. I did not ask why because sadly I understood you well.</p><p>I remember when you were badly plastered before our breakup. </p><p>Your foot aimlessly and zigzaggedly going here and there like a wanderer in a desert, your hands swinging in the empty and lukewarm air like a drunken man bickering with someone, your transparent stream of tears fallen from your two eyes filled with the full haze, and your murmuring full of sadness, fear, and falsehood with irregular weeping sound, "I don't love you, I don't love you, Wooyoung, why you love me? because I don't love you and I can't..."</p><p>I with no words stretched my arms and they wrapped your hot body with some pressure, some sympathy, and some sadness. "If you didn't or couldn't love me, I would love you forever."</p><p>"There is no such thing like an eternity."<br/>"I know. But I want to promise you to give eternal love."<br/>"Don't make that kind of promise. Surely it would be in vain."<br/>"Even though it would so, I will make another promise of that love until you and I die."<br/>"Shut up, please, shut up! I hate you're knowing my spot, my weak spot that I didn't show anybody..."<br/>"I love your weak spot."<br/>"Shut up, you don't!"</p><p>The reason why you could not continue was your detachment from my arms and vomiting onto the floor. Seeing you sitting down with a flop, I squatted and tapped your back keeping asking "Are you okay? San, are you okay?" Naturally, there was no answer returning to me except for the sound of vomiting, but as if you would not get well unless I did not keep saying something to relieve you, my lips did not stop saying "Are you okay?" You, losing your last energy to stand up, buried your head onto the puke and your tip of hair was getting stained with it. Your following sobbing was for me too aching to hear intactly as you had just watched someone's death. Instead of stopping the sound by saying fiercely "Shut up!" as you had done, I wiped your mouth with the tissues and went to the kitchen. What I brought was a glass of water and I kept a sip of water in my mouth and raised up your head by holding your two cheeks gently. </p><p>As soon as my lips met yours, the disgusting smell of vomit was coming to the inside of my nose beyond the boundary of the skin and a little stream was being leaked from our lips meshing like a pair of saw-toothed wheels. As if you became an infant who tried to find your mama to soothe you, your lips sucked and licked mine and a series of those movements were so pitiful, just as I was watching a child who roamed crying without knowing his way to go home. </p><p>Your arms wrapped my neck and your body helplessly leaned on my body. Stretching my arms backward to keep the balance, I left what you were doing as it was, even though again you started crying over me. I stroked your hair the tip of which was smeared with the lump of puke.</p><p>"Can't sleep without the medicine."<br/>"I know."<br/>"Even can't breathe without the medicine."<br/>"I know."<br/>"I always feel too anxious and fearful."<br/>"Yes, I know."<br/>"But the most hateful thing is...I get even more uneasy when you're not with me."<br/>"I understand."</p><p>You made a bitter smile for a moment just like jeering at me. "If possible, I want somebody to take or share my pain by just saying 'I know' or 'I understand'."</p><p>"I want to do so."<br/>"How much do you understand this terrible feeling?"<br/>"I've been trying to understand it."<br/>"Because you love me?"<br/>"Yes."<br/>"Aren't you disappointed?"<br/>"With what?"<br/>"...Me."<br/>"Yes."<br/>"You liar."<br/>"Trust me, San."</p><p>You told me after a while, vacantly staring at what your mouth had poured. "If possible, I want to cut through your inside and see how much you understand me."</p><p>"San, you know I'm always sincere to you."<br/>"I don't know."<br/>"How can I make you believe me?"<br/>"I don't know."<br/>"San."<br/>"Nobody has an answer, an exact answer."<br/>"I will try to find the answer."<br/>"You can't."<br/>"Why?"<br/>"I don't know what I will do the next morning and what kind of bad words I will say to you. Maybe I will suddenly jostle you and run away without any word left. Even I don't know about myself well, how can you find the answer to make everything going well?"</p><p>With the least hesitation, I replied with a softened voice tone made to coax you."I don't know what I will do the next day but at least I will not hate you suddenly. Even if you would become the most miserable, messed-up person in the world, there will be no change in my mind."</p><p>Your sobbing was dying down. In a hoarse voice with cold, calm, silent, and low tone, you said as if murmuring, "You are too good to be my man."</p><p><em>You are too good to be my man.</em> Maybe the following sentence was 'because I am just the troublesome trash to you', a sentence often flowing out of your lips and being used for your self-torture. </p><p>I guess the reason why you tried to run away from me was some kind of a big burden that had been derived from your low self-esteem and pressed you down long, since I always made much effort on being a good man, perhaps for you, a too good man to have. Sometimes I want to ask you that; if I were such a good man to you, why couldn't I save you from your low self-esteem that only kept sinking like a broken small ship?</p><p>Someone said that love could save anything in the world. But I could not save you and for such many times that you could never expect, I regretted. Did I have to be a man who even embraced your falling that seemed not to show its end?</p><p>Maybe, yes, I should have been, as even now I don't know how to stop loving you. <br/>Since I fell in love with you a long time ago, it might be too late not to love you. </p><p>And San, you also should have known that it was also too late to run away from me.</p><p>It was yesterday that we met again. The time that was exactly 2 months past since you had left me.</p><p>I found you in front of the door of my house. You sat drunken and just bowed your head, not trying to meet my eyes. I did not ask anything but took you to the inside of the house. I thought there might be nothing necessary to be asked.</p><p>Lying you down on a mattress and hearing you whining, I felt you looked like an abandoned cat that wanted to receive his owner's warm love. "Want a kiss?" You did not say even a single word but just were gawking at me like a man falling in love. Needless to seek your agreement, my lips went to yours, bit and licked it softly, and my tongue opened the two lips that parted a little bit, as if being a kind intruder who politely entered the house of yours without apology. I messed up the inside of your mouth filled with the smell of alcohol as much as I had desired, like digging up the earth carelessly with the hands. <em>How could it be even sweeter than that moment I was able to taste you again?</em></p><p>The following sentence, the first one I heard after your leaving, was that "Am I still troublesome for you?"<br/>I said, "Yes, you are troublesome trash."<br/>"Yes, I am trash." <br/>"But San, if your existence is like the trash, I can bet that you are the most beautiful and lovable trash."</p><p>Yes, such beautiful trash that it can make me collapse. You might not know that I was collapsing even when I told that to you calmly.</p><p>I could see your eyes gradually filled with hot tears. Your lips opened like saying "Why" and before a word out of your mouth, I kissed your forehead. "Don't say a 'Why' thing. If you do, I am gonna make you convinced, no matter how many times I should do so."<br/>"How will you do?" Your voice was getting hoarse.<br/>"By loving you as always I did."<br/>"Even though I will always stay as troublesome trash?"<br/>"Yes."</p><p>I was feeling the weight of your arms covered with the robust muscles wrapping around my neck and my lips again fell to your ones like a paper plane falling to the soft ground of a swamp. Kissing your lips, cheeks, nose, and eyes tenderly, I tasted your salty teardrops that kept falling, feeling the intense desire to fill all the holes inside your heart for you not to say something like "Why you love me?", "Why me?" and to make you have faith in me like believing some kind of religion.</p><p>Yes, if you intended to return to me, please have faith in me blindly. My promise for eternal love is not an elaborate lie to lure you but a pitiful man's true pledge that swears the devotion for you.</p><p>San, I'll tell you one secret.<br/>My effort to forget you was always totally useless. Even a single thing never worked well. However I tried to do so, the memories returned to me as if it had to be with me.</p><p>I buried the day of our breakup for you at the moment of the kiss.<br/>So please, never leave me alone again. <br/>I can no longer live on my own without you, forever.</p><p> </p>
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